apparently this has been a day of things just... urghhhhh... if only there were a word for it. "not working" doesn't seem to cover it-- how do you explain it when you think you've been learning from your mistakes but then accidentally, in a moment of complete forgetfulness, act like an arse? Or say something stupid that isn't in alignment with your principles?
Its flustering and its upseting, and its so very unsettling. I guess it is forgetfulness and maybe, maybe, its a sense of hopefulness? I mean in those situations where you say to yourself, 'Let's not talk to that person again, or say something like that to him/her again, because the last time, it did not work out so well' then you do it again. You say that thing, or reveal a part of yourself to that person that you vowed to keep from them.
Am I trying to stop a part of myself that I am? Am I trying to fit into a mold, a sort of idealized version of myself? Is it strong or weak of me to hold back?
Its so hard when you can't be one-hundred-percent you with someone, you know? Why should we keep relationships where we can be ourselves? I know this post has been vague, but I want to write about the truth on my blog, and how I feel right now feels painfully truthful.
Do you have friendships where you act a way that's other than yourself so that that person won't be able to hurt you (by making comments, or being passive agressive, or even doing something as silly as gossiping about you) ?
Which way hurts us less? but, isn't it okay to be hurt? I'm very flustered with myself, like I said... can't seem to find my bootstraps.
Thanks for reading!